Philosophy jokes – part 3 (Why did the chicken cross the road?)
Adams, Douglas: Forty-two.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Blake, William: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Chaucer, Geoffrey: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Constable: To get a better view.
Cosell, Howard: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Dali, Salvador: The Fish.
Darwin, Charles: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Derrida, Jacques: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Dickinson, Emily: Because it could not stop for death.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Einstein, Albert: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emerson, Ralph Waldo: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Epicurus: For fun.
Epicurus (alternative): To ask for more cheese.
Freud, Sigmund: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
The Godfather: I didn’t want its mother to see it like that.
The Godfather (alternative): I gave him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
von Goethe, Johann: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Heisenberg, Werner: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Hemingway, Ernest: To die. In the rain.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Hume, David: Out of custom and habit.
Dr. Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Jung, Carl: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Kafka, Franz: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Keats, John: Philosophy will clip a chicken’s wings.
Leary, Timothy: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o’er.
Machiavelli, Niccolo: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.
Marx, Karl: It was a historical inevitability.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!
Nicholson, Jack: Cause it fucking wanted to. That’s the fucking reason.
Nietzsche, Friedrich Wilhelm: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
North, Oliver: National Security was at stake.
Plato: For the greater good.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Reagan, Ronald: I forget.
Thatcher, Margaret: This chicken’s not for turning.
Thoreau, Henry David: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.
de Torquemada, Thomas: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Twain, Mark: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Sartre, Jean-Paul: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Skinner, Burrhus Frederic: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Sununu, John: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Swift, Jonathan: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
Whitehead, Alfred North: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Wilde, Oscar: Why, indeed? One’s social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience – although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Wittgenstein, Ludwig: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Wordsworth, William: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Yard, Molly: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
This is a continuing effort, please email me if you have others.