Philosophy jokes – part 1 (random)

Some philosophy jokes I have gathered online. Enjoy!

See also philosophy jokes part 2 (therefore p) and part 3 (why did the chicken cross the road?)

Dean to the physics department: “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment, continuous research, etc.
Why couldn’t you be like the math department – all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets.
Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”


Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

The Sartre is sitting in a café musing about the existence of a lamp. A waitress approaches him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”
Sartre replies: “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar without cream”.
The waitress walks off returning a few minutes later empty handed: “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream – how about with no milk?”

I passed my ethics exam. Of course I’ve cheated.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules onto the subject.


A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, “Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”
“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”

Final exam question:
How do you plan to make a living with your degree in philosophy?

Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:

Crash Course in Logical Assumptions – Saturday, October 25th, 14:00-17:00

Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor’s office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.

Student: “Uh….Sir….What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?”
Professor: “Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?”
Student: “Uh….Yes, I do.”

Professor: “Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive.”
Student: “Yes, I drive. ”

Professor: “Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends.”
Student: “Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates.”

Professor: “Then I can logically assume that you have date partners.”
Student: “Well, yes, I have a girlfriend.”

Professor: “Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual.”
Student: “Well, yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time.”

Once back outside, his friend asks him: “So, what’s it all about?”
“Its about using information and stuff….Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?”
“I guess you’re homosexual, dude!”

What’s the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?
About 2.500 years.

What is the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?
About 50.000 a year.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the solipsist convention?
Nobody showed up.

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2 Responses

  1. January 9, 2016

    […] See philosophy jokes part 1 (random) and part 2 (therefore p) […]

  2. January 9, 2016

    […] also philosophy jokes part 1 (random) and part 3 (Why did the chicken cross the […]

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